Admittedly Lousy

Disclaimer: This post might be kind of a downer. And slightly passive-aggressive. You've been warned.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm a bit quirky. When I was young I was painfully shy, yet had quite a temper. I've really tried to work on both of these, though sometimes I still feel like that introverted little girl who used to talk to herself and play by herself in her bedroom. I know I'm far from perfect in various ways, but I do think that at the very least I try to be a kind person. A thoughtful person. I try to treat others the way I want to be treated.

I guess maybe I need to try harder(?)

(For instance, to all of you who I may have missed concerning thank you notes for wedding-related gifts, I wholeheartedly apologize. I really, really tried to send them all. Because you bet that I wrote something for each one of you. Some got sent back and I forgot to resend. And some I thought I sent and came across them so much after the fact that it's a tinge embarrassing. Seriously, I still feel bad about this.)

High school was an interesting time of life for me. I'm sure I've mentioned before that it wasn't really my thing. I liked learning and stuff, and was basically a huge nerd. And you know how girls can be at that age. For the most part, I had a great group of friends, many of whom I still consider to be close friends that I really care about, but let's be honest, I would get left out a lot. Maybe I was just the one that never quite meshed with everyone else. Maybe I was unknowingly annoying and not fun to be around. Maybe it's because we were all young and just trying to sort life out.

Needless to say, I spent a fair amount of time home. I remember really wanting to go to a cute boy's house for a party or something, and planning to go with some girls, and then calling them at the time we'd agreed. And never getting an answer. So I kept calling and calling... and soon enough I realized that they wouldn't be answering their phones that night. I'd go to stomps (aka informal dances typically after football/basketball games) by myself. I'd do the same to the baseball games. I don't say this to elicit sympathy; rather, I'm just trying to paint the picture the way it was. I learned quickly to appreciate independence and developed a thicker skin.

There's something to be said of a thicker skin. It helped me "stick to my guns" in various instances in which my standards and ideologies could have come crashing down, and helped me to become self-sufficient in many ways. But sometimes the loneliness would creep in.

I don't think we're ever meant to be alone.

I think we need people. On the most basic level of our being, I believe we need people. We need to feel loved. I am blessed to have always felt loved. I know this is not the case for everyone, and I realize how lucky I am. I also developed a keen sense of a Heavenly Father who loves me, and who is aware of me. That I was never, ever completely alone. But there was a sense of alienation sometimes. Unfortunately, this alienation so felt in my formative years still comes back to sporadically sting me. Today is one of those days where everything I have tried not to take personally has brimmed over. Which is slightly irritating... especially when my tear ducts are involved.

I guess this is tied into my realization that adults really aren't "adults" per se, or at least not subscribers to the lofty notion of "adulthood" I previously engendered in my more innocent years.

Life can be achingly like high school sometimes.

There were a couple of instances recently that glaringly reminded me of my ostracized high school years. And intellectually, I get it. As you grow up, you grow apart from people. It's not my favorite thing in the world, but it happens. I guess I start taking it personally when it involves people who are in my "special" category. Who I consider to be close friends regardless of distance or how often we see each other. People who I go out of my way to contact and try to plan with. I guess it's when I feel like my efforts are ignored that my heart begins to hurt.

Because a thick skin can only protect me so much for so long.

Post Script: I feel ok writing about this here, because I don't believe the instances I am talking about involves anyone who reads this blog. And honestly, this is the one of those times where I just had to write my feelings down in order to feel better. And I do now. Exponentially. Just fyi.