An open letter (so that I don't actually send it)

[Author's note: On a ratings scale, this post would most likely be PG-13, though I have tried to keep any innuendos or other descriptions as straight-forward and un-crass (crass-less?) as possible. You've been warned.]

Dear Noisy Neighbors,

While it might not be entirely neighborly of me to not know you actual names, I think it's probably for the best. Because it's difficult enough knowing what you look like after hearing what you do at night. I think names would just complicate (i.e. creepify, which is a made up word, I know) things, given the circumstances.

In the three years we've been here, we've never had an issue with noise disturbance before. Sure, sometimes we'd hear the little girl downstairs crying, but that's to be expected when little ones are about. Might I add that we have definitely felt guilt for the disturbance that has undoubtedly come with the addition of our child. But, I think it's important to note that every other consideration has been made to mitigate noise and ensure that we are being conscientious neighbors.

Which brings me to the two of you. I think it's great that you're so sporadically enthusiastic about sex. In fact, I think you should continue to be enthusiastic about it well into your nineties (or whenever). I think it's lovely and healthy and good and all that. However, the fact remains that you two are incredibly NOISY. And not just in a "we can hear the bed creaking" way. In the, "I know exactly when you're trying to top Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally" way. It's woken us up multiple times, and more importantly, it's woken up my daughter in the next room multiple times.

When it's 1:30 a.m. on a weeknight, the last thing I want to hear are, what I have dubbed, "constipated walrus" noises. The fact remains that you both are either completely ignorant to the fact that we can hear you (which is doubtful, given the plethora of ambient and not-so-ambient noise that you can hear from the drug house next door on a nightly basis), or that you just don't care. Either of which is kind of really annoying and inconsiderate. If you want to be that loud, move into a house. Or go into another room where you don't share a wall with your neighbors. Or, better yet, figure out that sex can be just as amazeballs if you don't try to break the sound barrier. (Or hurt every dogs' ears within a 5-mile radius.) I'd almost rather have you pump R. Kelly or something equally cliche, because then at least I wouldn't have to hear YOU. (Though hearing the "Ignition Remix" at 1:30 a.m. probably wouldn't be optimal either. But I suppose that beggars can't be choosers.)

One night I was so frustrated that I actually smacked our common wall... which was ill-advised to be certain, but not loud or hard enough to cause any disturbance. It's just so frustratingly inconsiderate. And creepy. And gross. And I would really love it if you two could just keep it down a little bit. Or move to Switzerland. No offense.

Best Regards,
Your Disgruntled Wall Sharing Neighbor

P.S. If it happens tonight, this letter might just end up being posted on your door tomorrow morning. Kidding. (Kind of.)

Yeah, that isn't creepy at all...

The husb and I live on a quiet little street, just slightly east of downtown. So when we look outside our window (to the east, that is... the view to the west is definitely less pleasurable and may or may not involve a decrepit building that may or may not double as a meth lab... ok I'm kidding about the meth lab part... maybe) we see a lovely street with mature trees and manicured park strips. Upon closer inspection, however, the block needs a little TLC. There are a couple of beautifully updated homes and condominiums (like the building we live in), but most of the street is comprised of rental properties.

And admittedly, some of these said rentals are a bit... "shady," shall we say. Littered with smashed cans of Paps Blue Ribbon and used condoms kind of shady. With a pit bull or two thrown into the mix. Which is a shame, really, since most of the homes on the block are at least 100 years old and have a lot of charm. Keeping all of the aforementioned in mind, I think the most creeptastic fixture on our block is undoubtedly this:

A school bus, circa 1977. With all the windows blocked out with various tie-dyed "curtains." We're 99.99% sure that people live in there. I snapped this photo whilst loudly feigning interest in a nearby flowering tree. (Well, it was a lovely tree... and strategically placed, as luck would have it.) Because I think you have to see it to believe it.

three strange things we have discovered in the hallway of our apt. complex...

1. dog poop {which is odd, unsanitary and just blech}
2. an open (and hopefully unused, but let's be honest i didn't check too closely) condom and its accompanying wrapper {i think that's enough said on that one}
3. a mysterious line of white powdery substance deposited in front of one of the vacant apts.

Yet another reason why the homeless shelter should be moved to Siberia

Please see here for the horrendous act of violence that happened about 100 yards from where I park my car every day. In BROAD daylight. Across the street from the Courthouse, no less.

Can we move that shelter yet? Please?

An afternoon with the deranged

When I woke up this morning, I did not think today would be as eventful as it has been. I dropped Greg off at the airport, got to work horrendously early (6:50) and went about my normal Monday routine.

Until I got back from lunch.

Our new runner mentioned that two people were sitting on our front steps. Assessing that they were not so nefarious looking as to scare me, I decided to take the nice approach and ask them to move along. I politely explained that this company does not permit loitering and that the proper authorities would be notified is they did not vacate the premises. The man that was sitting there silently got up and left, while the woman also perched on the stoop began to rant about how she had to go to the bathroom. I calmly explained that we did not have public restrooms, but that the Sheraton next door could probably accommodate her. I then reiterated that she must leave, said thanks and walked back inside. She got up and left, so I thought everything was fine. (Typically when police-intervention is threatened, these people move on as to avoid being busted for public intoxication and whatnot.)

Not, so. As I was soon to find out.

About ten minutes after the initial "run-in," this woman returns to the building and walks in right up to my desk and asks me to call 911. She appeared to be fine, so I told her I was calling the police and not an ambulance. Might I add I did all of this in my most accommodating and polite voice, even though inside I was a bit perturbed and slightly scared. This woman had a huge growth/tubes on the side of her face, slightly covered with a big bandage of gauze... that coupled with her erratic behavior was enough to make me nervous.

She was quite verbally abusive, asking me if we just hired "rich b*tches" or if I was the only one. Besides that lovely term, which I think she decided had to be my name, I think I was called something to the effect of a "stupid whore" and a "nice wench." I was also asked about my personal medical history and if I wanted to see her die or faint/throw up on our floor. So ten minutes go by, then fifteen, and no police are in site. The lady whips out a cell phone (hmm... you can't call 911 on that?) and calls a friend down at the homeless shelter. She tries to get me to talk to him, but I don't. There was no point. (Especially considering the fact that she's telling this guy on the phone that I have been verbally and physically abusive and all of these other ridiculous fallacies that I just don't have the energy to elucidate.)

This woman was truly inexplicable, obviously mentally disturbed and completely belligerent. I call the police once again to ensure that someone is indeed coming, only to find out that they have other calls they are attending to.

At this point I am so frustrated and getting more nervous by the second, that I am in tears. At this point, no one had come up to offer assistance or anything like that, just a couple of emails from coworkers in the vicinity. (Which was appreciated, don't get me wrong.) I finally call Jami to come down and sit with me, and she ends up giving me a break from the rantings of the psycho woman. Forty minutes have passed and there is no sign of the police. So Jami calls 911, only to find that the police are actually on their way. (Yeah, it's about [insert word here] time.)

They finally get here, accompanied by an ambulance and a fire truck (seriously?) and we unearth the Vodka bottle she stashed in one of our chairs. Classy, really. And after about fifteen more minutes of questioning and stuff, she's finally taken away in the ambulance.

I guess the good thing about this specific occurrence is that we will be implementing a protocol to prepare us for the next time something like this happens (which is hopefully NEVER), which I think is great. I guess the problem I have with an event like this is that it really does nothing to dissuade me from my negative opinions/impressions about transients. This troubles me greatly. Because it's obvious this woman is not mentally stable, and needs serious help. Part of my tears were a result of feeling so much sadness for her and her situation. But she scared me, she berated me, she didn't allow me to help her. So what do I do in that situation?

When I was in Uganda I held babies who had AIDS and other maladies in my arms and didn't blink an eye, but I didn't want to touch this woman or talk on her phone because I was afraid of contracting something. Don't get me wrong, I do not think it's prudent to use a stranger's cellular device or give them a big hug... and in this day and age you really have to expect the worst... I just think it's sad that the world has come to this.

Maybe she has had a series of bad breaks. Maybe she's a drug addict. Maybe she's just certifiably crazy. All I know is, I hope she forgets that she ever came here and never bothers me again. And next time, I will have my mace.

P.S. So I haven't been getting a lot of comments on my posts lately, which is fine I guess because I think only about five people read this. But seriously, I love feedback, so don't be afraid to comment if you so desire. Just think of it as a way to take pity on the sad little admin that keeps getting accosted by psychopaths.

Land of the free(loaders)

Ah, the United States of America: land of endless opportunity... land of the American dream... land of people who perpetually live on welfare because they don't want to get a job.

Now, I have nothing against the principle concept of welfare. I think that people should be allowed to utilize the funds of this country on a TEMPORARY basis in order to mitigate unforeseen circumstances or assuage graduate student loans... but it seems that for those who truly need it, who would truly contribute to society and pay it back in some form or another, welfare is nothing but a series of rejections.

For those who are destitute despite efforts to improve their situation and need welfare to survive, I feel for you; however, I think that this is a minuscule percentage of the populace. Most of the people I've seen on welfare are married couples who decide not to work because the guy's in school (getting his undergrad... COME ON it's not grad school, get an effing job) and the girl decided to have babies right away and has no education to do anything. They like the fact they get thousands of dollars worth of a tax return and help from the government, while the people who are actually trying to work and support their families don't qualify because they make too much. In what stretch of the imagination is this fair or advantageous to anyone?

While that previous passage may be offensive to some, let me qualify my statement with an example of sorts. Couple A has a husband pursuing his bachelor's degree and a wife with two kids. They insist they need two cars to get around and need to acquire a certain amount of toys and other superfluities. They both have decided not to be employed... because living off of welfare is just easier for them. They brag to their friends about how much they can get from the government. In fact, it's almost a game for them. Then you have Couple B. The husband is in grad school, and therefore cannot be employed. The wife has a college degree and a baby, so she works at home to supplement their student loans and raise their child. They live a modest life style and try not to spend too much money. They can't qualify for welfare (or even government health care) because they make too much, which in my mind is just WRONG. It is Couple B who needs this help, because they would be using it in the short term. Their contribution to society would then be infinitely greater after the conclusion of grad school, thus paying the system back more than they took from it. And when has it been acceptable to be rewarded for NOT working hard? It just seems skewed to me.

Maybe my examples aren't the most eloquent or make the most sense. But I'm using examples from what I have seen with my own eyes, and that's all I can write about. I realize that I have used some generalizations and such, but take this for what it is worth. It's just frustrating sometimes.

A must see... and why do all ultra-conservatives end up being pervs?

Greg and I have been wanting to see Juno since it came out, but hadn't gotten around to it. So on Friday, we decided to brave the interesting crowd at the Century 16, and finally see it. We LOVED it. It is a brilliantly written, witty commentary on the struggles of teenage hood and becoming self-aware. It's impeccably casted and thoroughly entertaining from beginning to end. For me, it was just refreshing to see a film that was intelligent and fresh and funny and REAL.

So kudos to Juno. If you haven't seen it yet, you should give Greg and me a call... we totes want to see it again.


On to another, unpleasant theme. Let me preface this bit of blog by stating that creepy people like these are why I tend to claim my independence from party lines. I'd almost prefer a rabid liberal to this breed of person, because at least they're not trying to pretend they're something they're not.

Due to the recent revelation that the founders of "Clean Flicks" are dirty, DIRTY little perverts, I have to say that I am tired of ultra-conservative two-facedness. For those of you who aren't aware of the story, please see http://www.sltrib.com//ci_8083729?IADID=Search-www.sltrib.com-www.sltrib.com for details. But pretty much the gist of this story is that the creators of Clean Flicks, supposed champions of family values and the right to not view salacious material, have been busted for having inappropriate relations with underage girls, as well as for housing an underground porn ring. SO great. I mean, these guys went up against Hollywood, with the contention that people have a right not to view gratuitous content in films, that said people have a right to shelter their children from what they deem is unacceptable. Guess they weren't counting the kids that they were trying to get to act in their independent pornos. Disgusting.

It seems like a lot of self-proclaimed "proponents of morality" end up being pretty effed up in real life. Take Sen. Craig for example. I mean, he went to a bathroom that was KNOWN for being a meeting place for soliciting sex. He performed all of the complicated signs IN SEQUENCE to signal that he was, in fact, seeking sex. And he even plead GUILTY to the
charge of public lewdness. And yet he raked Clinton over the coals for his indiscretion (which I think is just as bad, btw) and is one of the biggest opponents of gay marriage and civil unions. And even though he denies he is a homosexual, I think he's just being a hypocrite. The kind of "do as I say not as I do" mentality.

It just sickens me that people like this are in office or are in the public eye, and that they purport themselves to be such pillars of integrity. And that portions of the American public are gullible enough to believe them.

Yeah, I think I prefer the crazy liberal... unless it's a Clinton.