Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Admittedly Lousy

Disclaimer: This post might be kind of a downer. And slightly passive-aggressive. You've been warned.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm a bit quirky. When I was young I was painfully shy, yet had quite a temper. I've really tried to work on both of these, though sometimes I still feel like that introverted little girl who used to talk to herself and play by herself in her bedroom. I know I'm far from perfect in various ways, but I do think that at the very least I try to be a kind person. A thoughtful person. I try to treat others the way I want to be treated.

I guess maybe I need to try harder(?)

(For instance, to all of you who I may have missed concerning thank you notes for wedding-related gifts, I wholeheartedly apologize. I really, really tried to send them all. Because you bet that I wrote something for each one of you. Some got sent back and I forgot to resend. And some I thought I sent and came across them so much after the fact that it's a tinge embarrassing. Seriously, I still feel bad about this.)

High school was an interesting time of life for me. I'm sure I've mentioned before that it wasn't really my thing. I liked learning and stuff, and was basically a huge nerd. And you know how girls can be at that age. For the most part, I had a great group of friends, many of whom I still consider to be close friends that I really care about, but let's be honest, I would get left out a lot. Maybe I was just the one that never quite meshed with everyone else. Maybe I was unknowingly annoying and not fun to be around. Maybe it's because we were all young and just trying to sort life out.

Needless to say, I spent a fair amount of time home. I remember really wanting to go to a cute boy's house for a party or something, and planning to go with some girls, and then calling them at the time we'd agreed. And never getting an answer. So I kept calling and calling... and soon enough I realized that they wouldn't be answering their phones that night. I'd go to stomps (aka informal dances typically after football/basketball games) by myself. I'd do the same to the baseball games. I don't say this to elicit sympathy; rather, I'm just trying to paint the picture the way it was. I learned quickly to appreciate independence and developed a thicker skin.

There's something to be said of a thicker skin. It helped me "stick to my guns" in various instances in which my standards and ideologies could have come crashing down, and helped me to become self-sufficient in many ways. But sometimes the loneliness would creep in.

I don't think we're ever meant to be alone.

I think we need people. On the most basic level of our being, I believe we need people. We need to feel loved. I am blessed to have always felt loved. I know this is not the case for everyone, and I realize how lucky I am. I also developed a keen sense of a Heavenly Father who loves me, and who is aware of me. That I was never, ever completely alone. But there was a sense of alienation sometimes. Unfortunately, this alienation so felt in my formative years still comes back to sporadically sting me. Today is one of those days where everything I have tried not to take personally has brimmed over. Which is slightly irritating... especially when my tear ducts are involved.

I guess this is tied into my realization that adults really aren't "adults" per se, or at least not subscribers to the lofty notion of "adulthood" I previously engendered in my more innocent years.

Life can be achingly like high school sometimes.

There were a couple of instances recently that glaringly reminded me of my ostracized high school years. And intellectually, I get it. As you grow up, you grow apart from people. It's not my favorite thing in the world, but it happens. I guess I start taking it personally when it involves people who are in my "special" category. Who I consider to be close friends regardless of distance or how often we see each other. People who I go out of my way to contact and try to plan with. I guess it's when I feel like my efforts are ignored that my heart begins to hurt.

Because a thick skin can only protect me so much for so long.

Post Script: I feel ok writing about this here, because I don't believe the instances I am talking about involves anyone who reads this blog. And honestly, this is the one of those times where I just had to write my feelings down in order to feel better. And I do now. Exponentially. Just fyi.


Chelsey said...

Lauren, I feel sad after reading your post because you are such a good person (and fun to be around) and you shouldn't ever have to feel that way. I am sorry that some of those times you referred to in high school were probably caused by me - I was stupid then. You are such a loyal friend and I still consider you one of my "special" friends even though I don't get to see you very often. I hope you know that I love you.

P.S. Nice job on the alphabetizing of your books, it looks like it was a big project. I smile thinking of reading magazines in your bedroom when we were kids and you always kept them in alphabetical order.

Shannon said...

i wholeheartedly agree with you: we are not meant to be alone. or lonely. or ostracized. but i do feel that in experiencing these emotions/realities, it gives an opportunity to become more compassionate and more sensitive to others. because the Lord always allows our sorrows and our struggles to meld us into better versions of ourselves.
i love that you would go to stomps and baseball games by yourself. that says volumes about your character, and your love for life, and your daring, adventurous spirit. i also love that you wrote this.

Kenna said...

I think Shannon said it beautifully.

We aren't meant to be alone. It's true. If we were, well, the world would be a lot different, eh?

I love your face. A lot.

Anonymous said...

Simply awesome post Lauren, and very true for many people, at least in some part. I relate. Love you guys.

Time to Blog It Up! said...

I always knew we were kindred spirits! Sounds a lot like my high school days. I think you are delightful and enjoy reading your posts and learning more about you. There is something about January that just drags on and on....Loneliness been hanging around my door lately too. Hey you just remember who you are, and keep smiling. Love ya

Jane said...

I think we are, as Anne of Green Gables would say, "kindred spirits." I know these feelings you write of, and have even experienced them in my adult years. Chelsey (don't know you--but she has a good point!) was right on--you are a loyal friend, and I feel lucky to have you as one :).