Wednesday, March 25, 2009

me.

i've always been quite introspective.

painfully shy in my younger years, i spent a lot of time by myself. with my books. with the tv. oft times both in tandem, for i have always loved to multitask. school (well, learning in general) also became my passion and my obsession.

there was a space of time in which i kept a journal for six years where i wrote every single day. and sometimes when i peruse through these writings i wish i'd been less specific. for often i felt like i was merely an observer of my own life... that i was too busy focusing on what was next (or too busy looking back) that i missed the present.

i think a lot of us are like this to some degree. i remember my mother counseling me to enjoy each phase of my life and to not wish it away. but when i was a child i couldn't fully appreciate the wisdom of these words. i always wanted to be older, to be on to the next step, to know where i was headed. thankfully, i don't feel that way anymore.

that's not to say i didn't have a lovely childhood filled with beautiful memories, surrounded by an incredibly loving family. i am blessed to have a largely unblemished childhood that was happy and fulfilling.

i just think i'm my own worst enemy sometimes.

i'm all together too hard on myself. so self critical that it's at times overwhelming, like a giant rock upon my chest. i don't think my ocd mitigates this at all... in fact, i'm embracing the fact that this impediment is perhaps its cause.

i am sometimes utterly debilitated by my insecurities.

it's something that i have to constantly work on... staving away the little girl who is so sensitive and so shy that everything but her own mind is intimidating.

i don't really feel that way anymore... mostly.

because i finally have embraced the person that i was, am and will become. because i am lucky and blessed to have a knowledge of this life's greater purpose and know that i am indeed a child of a loving and compassionate God. because i am loved by many people whom i also love, adore and respect. because i am at a point in my life where i feel that a new and beautiful phase is just beginning, that i am beginning it as a part of a whole.

and i appreciate the experiences i have passed through to get here.

2 comments:

Kenna said...

Beautifully said my dear.

It's hard to write those things for all to see. I admire that in you, and I can say that I understand (I think, you know me, I'm sloooow) what you are talking about.

Especially about 'phases.'

I hate that I can't break out of my current phase, but then again, there is nothing I can do about it. So instead of 'staring down myself & counting up the years' I should take advantage of what this phase has to offer.

Even though it hurts, there is meaning in each phase and the time we spend there.

Shannon said...

Beautifully written words from a beautiful person. Thank you for sharing.