Thursday, January 10, 2008

An open letter to the vermin in my garage

Dear rats and mice living in my garage,

Hey! How are you all doing? I feel like we don't get to talk much anymore, partly because you are always scurrying around behind shelves and boxes and partly because my wife doesn't really like you that much, but I just wanted to drop you a line and say hello and give you the heads up about the poison and traps I am going to be putting out today. I really like you guys and I want you to know that it's not you, it's my wife, she just thinks that you are dirty and disease ridden and wants you out and I have to comply so I hope you all leave on your own so you don't end up like your friend. I'm really sorry that he had to go like that

he seemed like a really nice guy and was probably pretty old, seeing how he was sixteen inches long and pretty heavy too but I guess thats what eating an entire box of poison will do to you. I picked him up by the tail to put him in a plastic bag and then in the garbage, and I couldn't help but notice the soft, furry, worm-like texture (I actually got a little gaggy just typing that). I promise I'll call, or at least send you our Christmas card. Take care!


A postscript for the reader:
Currently Lauren and I are living in the house of Mr. and Mrs. Claude Snow, who are serving a one year mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Washington State. Their garage is bursting with boxes, old TVs, food storage and obviously, rats. The state of uncleanliness and disarray in the garage does not represent the views of the author or his wife.


Paco Belle said...

What about the R.O.U.S.'s? Rodents of Unusual Size? I don't believe they exist...holy crap! You gotta be kidding me with that spawn of Satan! Yikes...Imagine running across that in the middle of the night.

The Heriford's said...

Guys--- that is freaking gross!!! Way to capture the moment though. PS we also have a blog!!!!


Okay so literally, I could have gone the rest of my life without seeing that picture and been okay with it. Maybe you don't know what my #1 fear in life is... Ask Jenner it starts with an M and ends I hate them good job Laur on making him get rid of those creepy crawly disease infested creatures.

Jami said...

I actually got a little gaggy just reading about that! Yucky! I can't beleive how huge that rat is - I hope he was the 'leader' and all of the others (because now you know there are others - so & so's laws of the universe - "you see one it has 5 frineds")are much smaller. Good luck! Maybe you can open a Bountiful Disneyland - you seem to have the mouse(rat) criteria taken care of. ..

Ash said...

Oh Lauren, quit being such a priss. Now the rats are going to go drain our welfare system further and make it more expensive for ALL of us. Why couldn't you just be a good sport and let them shack up in your garage? Gosh.

kelly said...

Anyone can capture the pleasantries of life through film, But pleasantries fade and run together into a boring four hour tour involving one heavy set fellow taking snap shots of the same "blue skies" and "purple mountains". Genius can always be found in the repulsive. Cheers to you scum of the earth!