Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Little hints of sheer joy

{Have you ever experienced it?}

If there is anything that my recent experiences have taught me, it is that life always contains ups and downs. I've mentioned this before... mentioned how interesting the juxtaposition between these two poles is in the eternal scheme of things... and how maddening it can be sometimes.

It is lately where I have felt the pull of each negative emotion and each positive one stronger than I have in awhile. And as much as I try to decipher my thoughts and feelings, I think that sometimes my reactions have come from deep within, from some organic (and possibly hormonal) place that has lately seemed out of my control. I have been battling with feelings of professional inadequacy and frustration. I have been trying to adjust my body clock to my new hours at work, and have sought to tenuously establish a routine (which has not really worked yet, but it's coming). All of these things have built up and sought to make me feel low, but I am determined to conquer (or at least live in companionable silence with) them all.

Because I believe that though we may not be able control how a feeling is manifested all of the time (girls, you know what I mean) we can control our attitude about said feeling. Though I may be frustrated, I can still choose to be happy in my frustration. Through my tears and everything. I can choose to wallow in negativity, or thrust myself into positivity.

Last night I experienced what I like to call a "little hint of sheer joy." What is said "hint of joy" you ask? Well, I define it as those little moments that occur in life that leave me feeling completely joyful. For instance, last night, the one I love most put on Bon Iver, and we folded laundry together. As we were putting the clothes away, I was just goofing around, trying to make him laugh. And when he did laugh, my heart fluttered and it felt like my entire being was filled with light. It was a magnification of what I feel all of the time when I am around him, but the intensity of that moment has stayed with me. This isn't the first time it's happened, and I am sure that my prose is not doing it justice. But it feels to me like a blessing from God Himself. A reminder that I am his child and that He wants me to be blissfully happy and fulfilled. And it is only when passing through the more trying times of life where those periods of happiness can be fully comprehended and appreciated.

Thus, I wish little hints of joy for you all...


Ashley said...

Thank you. You'll figure it all out. Just like you said, you've had glimpses. You just like routine so much that being without an established routine is a big problem for you.

Kenna said...

That sounds like a perfect moment.

Usually when I try to make Josh laugh it's by punching him in the kidney, which surprisingly works, but then I get punched, and then we are both on the ground laughing. On the ground 'cause we are in pain, and laughing because we know we are complete idiots.

I am just realizing how insane that sounded.

Um, great post, keep it up, hang in there, all that good shiz.